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 HERE are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

(1)        Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
                        ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’
(2)         New Zealand Rugby Commentator
          ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’

(3)      Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator :
           ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’

 (4)     Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
         ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.’

(5)     US PGA Commentator -
         ‘One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that,
       before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!!    what have I just said??’

(6)     Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said:
            ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’

(7)      A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t,  turned to the weatherman and asked,
             ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

 (8)      Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
             ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’

 (9)      Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
                ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.’

(10)     Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports  
              ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

(11)       Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked:
             ‘They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’

(12)      Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
              ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’

Quickies

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What’s the difference between Light and Hard?
You can sleep with a Light on.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Caption on a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon: “Where’s my jacket? I’ve looked everywhere! Under the bed, over my chair, on the stairs, on the hall floor, in the kitchen. It’s just not anywhere….Oh, HERE it is! Who put it in the stupid closet!?”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”

What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush

What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

Why are New Yorkers so cranky?
The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment applications always ask “Who is to be notified in case of an emergency?” I think you should write, “911″

An elephant asks a camel, “Why are your breasts on your back?”
“Well,” says the camel, “I think that is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face.”

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.